Vulgar medical mnemonics

Me: So if you’ll lie back, I’m going to listen to your heart.
Patient: Like this?
Me: Yes, that’s fine. It’ll just take a few seconds.
Me: (Remember: a pervert touched me… a pervert touched me…) Sir, I think there might be something wrong with your perv– err… pulmonary valve.
Patient: …what did you say?

Okay, so the above scenario has never actually happened to me. But with all the off-color mnemonics that the various professors, textbooks, and TAs have been feeding us in order to help us remember the material, I live in fear that it will happen sooner or later. The advantage of mnemonics like these is that they make a big impression and are easy to remember, the disadvantage… well… I think I’ve covered that already.

Below are some of the more amusing and more vulgar of the mnemonics I’ve come across so far in my first year of medical school:

A pervert touched me.
This is the one that I mentioned in my little introduction scenario. It’s a way to remember where to listen for the heart sounds associated with each heart valve. From right to left, top to bottom (the order in which you would read a page written in English if you’re facing the patient), it stands for: Aortic valve, Pulmonary valve, Tricuspid valve, Mitral vave.

Clean my butt Zach Thomas.
This is a lovely little mnemonic, used to remember the major branches of the facial nerve within the parotid gland. These, starting from the bottom up (or from inferior to superior, as the anatomists prefer), are: Cervical, Marginal Mandibular, Buccal, Zygomatic, Temporal.

OOO to touch and feel a virgin girl’s vagina and hymen.
This one’s for remembering the 12 cranial nerves in order: CN I is the Olfactory nerve, CN II is the Optic nerve, CN III is the Oculomotor nerve, CN IV is the Trochlear nerve, CN V is the Trigeminal, CN VI is the Abducens, CN VII is the Facial, CN VIII is the Vestibulocochlear, CN IX is the Glossopharyngeal, CN X is the Vagus, CN XI is the Spinal Accessory, CN XI is the Hypoglossal.

Some lovers try positions that they can’t handle.
This one is handy for remembering the bones of the wrist: Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate, Hamate.

Those are all of the interesting ones that I can think of at the moment– I’m sure that there will be more once school starts up again.